GRADUATION 2011

Good morning. Some of you have been here for sixteen years, others for less, but you have all sat through a large number of classes of mathematics, science, English, Spanish, history, geography, etc in that time, and as I look at you I wonder what you will take away with you. How much of what you have learned will actually be useful to you in the future? And more importantly, what will you need that you have not learned during your time here?

As I looked around me last Friday at the graduation party, and then a few hours later at the Philanthropic Fair on Saturday morning, I decided that our last moment together should be devoted to a reflection on probably the most important aspect of human existence – love. A strange choice, perhaps, for a school graduation, but entirely appropriate, I believe, for a school which seeks to foster an ethic of care based on the notion that each and every one of us is a unique individual and that our goodness and our identity are inextricably linked to those around us.

Love is a horribly overused, and abused, word. It has been commercialised, sentimentalised, debased and devalued, but in its truest form it is the basic life force that characterises the human condition. Gandhi said of love that “it is the strongest force the world possesses, and yet it is the humblest imaginable”. He also said that “where there is love there is life”. I would go further and say that where there is not love there is not life. It is hard to imagine that we could live a full life without having someone to love.

So what is this love that I refer to? Martin Buber claims that all life is encounter and emphasises the need to recognise our interdependence with those we love – to absorb them into our own identity and allow them to become part of who we are. Only then can we find fulfilment and contentment, and truly strive to know ourselves. Through our interactions with our fellow beings we become what we are as we touch their lives and they touch ours. So love is about connecting with people in a way that acknowledges our interdependence. But how do we make that connection?

I would like to take a little time here to explore some very powerful ideas to do with connection, which I came across recently through a talk by Brené Brown called “The Power of Vulnerability”, which formed part of the 2010 Houston TED talks. I am very grateful to the mother who sent me the link and highly recommend watching the whole talk. But here I will pull out some key ideas.

The talk starts from the premise that connection is why we are here. It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. As she began to research connection, Brené Brown found that there was a recurring theme that came up time and again – and it turned out to be shame. Shame, she says, is easily understood as the fear of disconnection – is there something about me that if other people see it or know it I won’t be worthy of connection? And so we are led to the central idea of vulnerability – in order for connection to happen we have to allow ourselves to be seen. Really seen. And she found that people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe that they are worthy of it. The one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we are not worthy of connection.

So what do we need in order to believe that we are worthy of love and belonging? Brené Brown found three things in the people that she encountered.

· Courage, which comes from the word “cour” or heart. Courage is telling the story of who you are with your whole heart. They had the courage to be imperfect.

· Compassion. They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others. We cannot practise compassion with other people if we do not treat ourselves kindly.

· Authenticity. They had connection as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be in order to be who they were.

They fully embraced vulnerability. They believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful. They talked about the willingness to say “I love you” first. The willingness to do something where there are no guarantees. The willingness to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.

So it turns out that vulnerability is a complex phenomenon. It is at the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness but it appears that it is also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. And many of us struggle with it. We try to numb vulnerability, and with it, shame and fear. But we cannot selectively numb so we also numb joy, gratitude, happiness, and then we are miserable and we are looking for purpose and meaning, and so we feel vulnerable and we fall into a dangerous cycle.

How do we numb vulnerability? One way is through addiction. But there are others. We try to make everything that is uncertain, certain. We blame. Blame is defined in the research as “a way to discharge pain and discomfort”. We perfect. We take fat from our butts and put it in our cheeks. We pretend. That what we do does not have an effect on people.

By rejecting our vulnerability we lose the power to love. By trying to control and predict our lives we lose opportunities to experience happiness, joy and gratitude. Love is about letting people into our lives, allowing them to become part of who we are, accepting our imperfections, and theirs, recognising who we really are, and embracing interdependence.

Love works in many ways and on many levels. It can take us by surprise and we can take it for granted. It is messy, unpredictable, uncontrollable and inexplicable. But we cannot live without it, and the more we love the more fully we live. It is not easy, it requires a lot of effort, understanding, patience, forgiveness, faith, trust and humility, as well as courage, compassion and authenticity.

There is no subject on the curriculum called “love” but I hope that during your time at this school you have started to learn to love. You will undoubtedly spend the rest of your lives continuing to do so.

I will leave you with some concluding thoughts from Brené Brown and a song recommended to me by another good friend, which feels particularly suitable for the moment we find ourselves in today and the theme of this speech.

· We are imperfect and we are wired for struggle but we are worthy of love and belonging

· Let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, vulnerably seen

· Love with our whole heart, even though there is no guarantee

· Practise gratitude and joy

· Believe that we are enough. Stop screaming and start listening. Be kinder and gentler to the people around us, and be kinder and gentler to ourselves

· And in those moments of terror when we are wondering “Can I love you this much?”, “Can I believe in this as passionately?”, “Can I be this fierce about this?” stop and say “I am just so grateful because to feel this vulnerable means that I am alive”

I love you all.

<Miley Cyrus – I’ll Always Remember You>